Minggu Pertama November 2017: Am I Depressed?

While patting myself on my own back for my effort regaining memories about this account, I found these paragraphs I wrote sometime last year about being depressed, because of my thesis.

I got to say, I did love writing. Why did I ever stop?

So here the memory goes:

Sometimes, I think, it is okay to feel bad about yourself.

Setelah beberapa kali menghancurkan suasana, kepercayaan, dan mood orang, I think then, and only then, you can call yourself a mess. A massacre.

Somewhat days ago, gue pindah ke tempat baru. Lebih nyaman. Lebih memadai. Gue bersyukur, selama beberapa hari. I feel like a new person, having a new life. Waking up earlier, feeling great about myself while the sun rays shine through my window. And my skin just absorbs it. It felt great. It felt amazing. Also this grey cable attached to my laptop brings the world's number one primary needs right now, internet.

That "good" feeling only lasted a few days since my moving. Here I am now. Feeling bad about myself. And this is what I wanted to talk about in this post. My first post in 2016. I can't believe this turned out like this.

This afternoon, I watched one of Barbie's vlogs and one vlog totally hit me. Barbie was feeling blue. And, not like the usual Barbie-ish behavior, she said she can't everyday be a cheerful, positive person. She also feels blue very often. And that hits me right in the feelings. I can't. I can't be cheerful everyday. I can't make jokes, laugh, do stupid things everyday. Just like any other girls, I consider everything with feelings first, then I think about the long-term effects.

The following list is numbers of my bad behavior.

1. I consider everything with too much feelings.
2. I want everyone to understand me.
3. I spend too much money. (One of my friends admit this one.)
4. I can't see anything positively.
5. I always let people down, with my words.
6. I expect too much off of people I know.
7. I don't give much effort to do my tasks.
8. I see nothing good about myself.
9. I want to hurt my own feelings. Sometimes crying feels good.
10. I want to hurt myself.

What am I doing?

What can I do?

There's nothing I can do that makes people happy. Even I can't make my parents happy.

I plan too much things, but I never do it.

I buy unnecessary things. Then I get bored.

I want everybody to understand me when I give them no signal.

What kind of signal anyway?

And there it went.

So, hello, my past self. It's me, the 2017 Keket, sitting in your working desk at your office. I guess, your thesis was not a complete failure?

I did get a B, which was not that bad. I found a job, which is not half bad. And you get your own desk, like, what?

I remember, walking into this office in July, and I saw these cubicles of people's memories sticking onto their own space. I wanted to have mine there too. 

And I did.

And I need to be grateful.